Nobbut Laiking, by Ross Brewster
Forget that cheery old uncle in Nigeria, the one who is sitting on your million pound windfall and just needs your bank details.
There are charlatans much closer to home and they come in the friendly guise of your local council, the police, the hotel companies — the ones that have just handed over parking to a company with a Box Number address down south — and yes, the Government.
The biggest victims of daylight robbery nowadays are car drivers. Not the boy racers foot to the boards doing a ton around town, but you and me, and millions more, who try our best to stick to the rules of the road and the car parks.
Why, even the great Coronator himself, the Archbishop of Canterbury, had his dog collar felt, figuratively speaking, for clogging it at 25mph in a 20 zone in London.
Mr Welby coughed up the £500 fine. A bit steep I’d have said, even for a chap who is probably not short of a bob or two.
I don’t object to reducing speed limits outside schools and hospitals or even old folks’ homes. But only at specific hazard spots in towns and villages. Not generally, as some MPs are calling for.
An MP speaking in the Commons seriously pleaded for 10mph limits in all residential areas. In fairness one of the Honourable Members contributed a trenchant one-word assessment of that statement — “bonkers”.
Lower speed limits have a doubtful effect on safety. But one thing we can be sure of, along with their cousins the bus lanes, they will produce more speeding tickets and more loot.
These days you don’t get pulled over by the police, it’s all on camera. None of that “Who do we think we are today sir, Lewis Hamilton?” “No officer, I am the Archbishop of Canterbury and Coronator in chief.” “Been drinking too much communion wine have we sir? Best come along to the station.”
I imagine Justin Welby, like thousands every week, was waiting for the letter to drop on the mat. Drat, three points.
The serious issue is that they want to drive motorists off the roads unless they are happy to hand in their 10 grand runabout and stump up for a £35,000 electric model with no guarantee you’ll find anywhere to charge the battery.
A battery, incidentally, made from lithium which is mined by distinctly unsustainable methods. And when they wear out, just how do we get rid of them?
I drove in a 20mph area last week. I was constantly checking my speedometer. Pedestrians seemed to think they had a licence to step out in front of me.
If we ever do get down to 10mph, the final indignity will be when we’re overtaken by a Just Stop Oil slow march, annoyed that they are being held up by some old pensioner in a Panda.
Water companies really are taking the pee
Talking of charlatans and snake oil retailers, what about the water companies and their £10bn plan to address the problem of polluted waterways?
What a cheek. They have paid handsome dividends and bonuses for years when they didn’t give a fig about the state of our rivers, lakes and beaches.
Before they start asking us the public to pay, how about taking the first billion from their own fat wallets. Once that’s gone they can start putting a bit extra on our bills, but this is not a good time to ask people to pay more for a job they should have been attending to years ago.
Our waterways already have a formidable campaigner in former pop star Fearghal Sharkey and Westmorland and Lonsdale MP Tim Farron was in coruscating form during a recent Parliamentary debate when he said six of the 10 longest spills of sewage in the country were in Cumbria.
Farron spoke of the damage to biodiversity, swimmers and the tourist economy while large corporations were “raking in enormous profits”.
Apologies only go so far. It’s time these corporations took action and paid their share of the damage that has been caused and preferably without cadging off their own customers.
It’s the Kompany you keep
Best sporting quote of the week came from the chairman of Burnley football club following their promotion back to the Premier League under the leadership of Vincent Kompany.
Mr Pace said it was like dating the best-looking girl in town, yet knowing she would never marry you.
Great while it lasted, but he was being realistic that Kompany will eventually be courted by bigger, wealthier clubs and move on.
Summer’s here and the time is right for smashing things in the street, apparently
We are well on the way to the longest days.
The lighter nights are great for getting out after work, going for walks, watching the village cricket team — not so great when it comes to vandalism and graffiti.
It seems to increase as the evenings draw out. Lots of paint sprayers seem to think they are Banksy — which they are most definitely not.
Others make no pretence to art as they smash things up. It’s sad when you know it’s most likely local kids damaging their own backyard.
As long as the sun shines, wearily we just accept.
